Driving home a night or two ago a black cat crossed in front of my car rather leisurely. It stopped and sat on the curb staring back at me.
"Son of a bitch!" I said, slapping my steering wheel. By my rough calculations, I've only just neared the end of the bad luck brought on me by my last black cat crossing. Although, if my PowerBall numbers are any indication, that luck wasn't coming back anytime soon.
My high school boyfriend's family had a thing with keeping black cats as pets. I get it - due to unfounded superstition, black cats are homeless everywhere. They shuffle the streets, scraping by as best they can, all thanks to the misfortune of being born under a bad star with the "wrong" coat color.
If I had a black cat for a pet, I'm sure that would justify losing the superstition. Because I don't have a black cat, I reserve the right to remain cautious.
It doesn't help that I passed under a large ladder a million times while readying my parents' house for Halloween, either.
I'm the designated decorator for most holidays at my parents' house. And after my mom's knee replacement, I try to get up in the attic and grab all the decorations before anyone else has a chance to. My mom gets angry arguing that she can do it. As I retort, can and should are two entirely different things. That's all I need: a call from my dad that he found my mom paralyzed, having fallen from the attic through the upstairs hallway onto the ground floor, covered in a haphazard heap of spider webbing, pumpkin lights and jack-o-lantern votive holders.
I enjoy decorating for Halloween. It's one of my favorite holidays. I'll be in Boston for the holiday this year, part of a merry band that my best friend has dubbed "the whores of Wonderland." It's my first year with a sexy costume. No reason to go only halfway about it, am I right?
My dad only realized a few days ago that I wouldn't be around for the merry making this year. "You mean I might have to decorate by myself?" he asked, a slight look of terror on his face.
So I've started a little early. For me. The doorway is draped in black tulle and sheer orange curtains, the scariest mask I own crowns it all and orange and purple lights are threaded throughout spilling out onto the bushes on either side of the doorway. Giant spiders and Frankenstein masks stud the scene, along with ample pumpkins and lit jack-o-lanterns. Pairs of eyes glint from one of the trees. I've made a makeshift graveyard on one side of the house with headstones, ghosts and my favorite, light-up "Marcus the Carcass." He looks like he's emerging from the grave with light-up hands, feet and a giant scary head with white shaggy hair. Giant star lights dangle from a tree near the driveway, lighting up pumpkins and a stray skull. Plastic bones of femurs, hands and skulls are scattered around the property.
It still needs some work but it's getting there. I'll be able to board my plane with confidence. And I'm sure dad will remember to flick on the music and my new, mini-size strobe light. (All we need is for some kid to have an epileptic seizure on my parents' front step.)
In more honest-to-God criticism and ranting news, The Catholic News & Herald's latest issue promos on its front cover details on how to throw a Catholic-oriented All Saint's Day celebration. The graphic for the story is a headstone that reads: "Here lies an atheist ... all dressed up with no place to go." (By the by, I'm sure Jesus totally would put that on the cover of his newspaper.)
I'm working on my letter to the editor right now but am too angry to fashion anything other than expletives at this point. Shit like that is what's wrong with the world. Forget spending millions on some bullshit "welcome back to the church" program for fallen away Catholics (hello, recent bullshit program on behalf of the Diocese of Charlotte). Cut back on bullshit like this and you might have some churchgoers. In fact, cut crap like this and there might be a few more participants in organized religion in general.
The ideas were priceless too. Forego occult Halloween decorations and decorate your door like the pearly gates, dress like St. Peter, put pictures of your favorite saints in your windows and hand out saint cards instead of candy. Aside from the obvious, petty flaws with that idea (saint cards are pretty expensive and haven't been updated since some kindly nuns in the '50s drew them. who has huge saint images for their front windows? pearly gates? really?), it doesn't even make any sense. You'd spend the whole night explaining (if possible) what the hell you were really going after and then have your house egged anyway. (This is not to say you shouldn't stand up for unpopular beliefs. Just that this is an unpractical, stupid one that shouldn't be defended.)
And what arrogance! As if Catholicism created the holiday. There's a reason All Saints Day falls when it does - stealing off pagan ritual for years. Plus, what's so wrong with it? It began as a Celtic All Hallows Eve, day of the dead celebration which acknowledged that not all spirits are friendly so maybe you should leave them treats. Catholics should totally be down with that. We believe in the devil. We believe in hell. Oh, but witches and goblins? Now that's some evil shit. You can't believe in that. Only Satan.
Keep it up. Soon we'll see a headstone that reads: "Here lies The Catholic News & Herald, formerly serving extremist Catholics."
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